I made the mistake once of having an opinion on the internet.
Okay, I've made that mistake dozens of times. Admittedly, it's caused me to have to remove my foot from my mouth here and there. But you know...
I had this opinion on the internet...
You can use your imagination. It was an opinion and it is controversial and guys, you won't believe this, but some one didn't necessarily agree with me.
It was a guy I used to work with.
He quickly advanced from disagreeing with me in comments on my post to personal Facebook messages.
The messages began with a few half-assed apologies in case he had offended me (he hadn't,) then quickly escalated to us arguing again.
I was getting ready for work while this argument was happening in my Facebook messages. The little bubble for his profile in the Messenger app ever present on my phone screen, the numbers next to it increasing, all while I'm trying to brush my teeth and watch some near pornographic video of a pasta dish being made.
My attention to his reasons for being right had already started to wane. I mean, how could he expect my undivided attention while I was watching anonymous hands layer ravioli with sauce and copious amounts of cheese?
I closed his bubble. He popped back up. I closed his bubble. He popped back up.
I decided to shut him down.
I was not going to stand for this kind of persistence during the next video featuring anonymous hands making quesadillas four different ways!
So I replied.
I said something like, "Okay. You're right. You're absolutely right. You are right and I am wrong. You are entirely omniscient. I apologize for not recognizing this sooner." In my head I added, now leave me the fuck alone so I can watch this quesadilla get dipped in guacamole.
He did not appreciate this answer. His response was along the lines of, "WOW. You know. I used to really respect you as a person, but the fact that you have resorted to childish name calling is making me reconsider. I thought we could have an intelligent conversation, but I guess I was wrong. Because here you are, childishly calling me names."
Look, I suck at debates. I roll my eyes, I lose interest, I use fallacies. I get it. But this person wasn't looking for intelligent conversation. He was looking to change my opinion to an opinion I already thought he was stupid for having. Sure, that's not very nice, but I wasn't fucking looking for a debate in the first place. I had made a post on Facebook and this person didn't agree with me. I was trying to put on pants while watching queso being drizzled over a fucking tortilla before going to my shitty job. Excuse me, for not wanting to go down the path to his version of enlightenment. I had already come to that fork. I had already picked a different path. I was not about to turn around.
I paused to read his text again before responding, "Childish name calling? You think I'm childish because I called you omniscient?"
"Yes," he said.
"Omniscient? You're offended and think I'm being childish because I called you omniscient?" I had to ask one more time to be clear.
"Yes. I'm trying to have an intelligent conversation and you resorted to being a child and calling me names," he repeated.
I couldn't help myself. I said, "You know children who toss around words like 'omniscient' to offend each other? Really? What kind of fucking kids are you hanging out with? I bet they're private school kids. You fucking nerd."
And then I closed his Facebook messenger app bubble to watch anonymous hands chop up spinach for a breakfast quiche.
